Smirnoff Grapeshot (1973)

It’s another Smirnoff ad!

Here’s the original ad:

Original text:

The Grapeshot (a drink to things past). Remember how you used to race the neighbor kid home from school–and you’d get so thirsty you could drink the whole Mississippi? Then Mom would give you grape juice that left you with a nice purple mustache.

We thought about all that when we created the Grapeshot, a drink you might try sometime when you’re feeling playful. If you haven’t felt that way in a while, a purple mustache might help.

To make a Grapeshot, pour an ounce or so of Smirnoff in a glass with ice. Fill with grape juice. Garnish with lemon and orange wedges.

MY TURN!

Denise was thrilled when the cute 5th grade teacher across the hall asked her out once summer vacation started.

After a year of wrangling Kindergarteners–the crying and runny noses and scattered toys and spilled snacks (the mere smell of Nilla Wafers and Juicy Juice was enough to make her barf)–she  was looking forward to adult beverages and adult conversations with an adult man. Maybe some adult-type activities if the night went well.

What did she get? He gave her grape juice. And an orange wedge. And talked about his baseball card collection. Are those animal crackers in the pantry?

To make a Smirnoff Grapeshot, combine grape juice, ice, and enough Smirnoff vodka to pretend you care who Honus Wagner is.

The text is identical in the alternate ad:

The Grapeshot. A drink to things past.

Remember how your heart used to race when you’d see him after work? Your lust for him was as big and strong as the Mississippi.

We thought about all that when Smirnoff created the Grapeshot, a drink you might try sometime when you’ve forgotten why you fell in love with him in the first place. Oh how you loved his free spiritedness, his creative homemade gifts, his playful tickling.

But now you realize he’s not a free spirit–he’s unreliable. He doesn’t make homemade gifts because he’s creative or thoughtful–he’s a fucking cheapskate. And the tickling–I swear to god, Peter, if you touch me one more time I’m going to shove this flower pot up your ass. 

To make a Grapeshot: Pour an ounce or so of Smirnoff into a thermos with ice. Fill with grape juice. Throw in a couple of lemon and orange wedges. Get in your car, drive around the corner, and enjoy a few minutes of quiet, blissful, solitude.

OK, this one wasn’t bad. I mean, it tasted just like grape juice. I couldn’t taste the vodka at all. And when I squeezed in the lemon and orange, it had a bit of a Sangria vibe.

Yum!