Do you live in the Harrisburg area?
Do you happen to love staircases and wrought-iron railings? How about wallpaper? Do you dig wood paneling?
Do you have $300,00 lying around?
If so, I have the house for you!
Here’s what the listing agent has to say:
…Crafted of Valley Forge stone, this classic home boasts undeniable curb appeal and an unbelievably spacious interior with carefully maintained vintage details and knock-out features…unexpected finished like latticework room dividers, floor to ceiling stone fireplaces and accent walls, and built-ins are found throughout the sprawling 5000+ square feet…
I do have to agree with the listing agent–all 5000+ square feet of this house are lousy with knock-out features.
Like the grand entrance:
BAM!
I am totally knocked out by the dizzying patterned tile and spiraling staircases and all that latticework and wrought iron. Even more so when you add those Grecian statues and that deer head. Speaking of the deer head–what is that next to it? A woodland tableau? Looks like a fucking Cabela’s.
You like wood paneling?
BAM!
Wood paneled walls for days.
BAM!
More wood paneling. With bonus ugly curtains and a bizarre painting of a goat.
Speaking of paintings…
Don’t stare too closely at the old woman in the portrait–as she emerges from a sea of wallpaper, her eyes locked with yours. You recoil in horror and try to look away but you can’t. Soon you have been sucked in as she EATS YOUR SOUL.
Also, that clock is insane.
But I am kinda digging this bathroom with its swag lamp and blue sinks:
BUT NOW. Brace yourself.
We descend the carpeted grand staircase, underneath the gold chandelier, past walls of Valley Forge stone, our hands gripping the twisted banister to the lower level.
Down, down, down we go…to find this:
Whatever the hell this is.
Is it a grotto? A grotto covered in Harvest Gold carpeting?
Hey, look! It’s the goat painting!
Holy shitballs. That is a waterfall. I know it’s a waterfall because it says so in the listing:
…lower level family room with wood burning fireplace, wet bar, and built-in waterfall…
Do you think it works? I hope it works.
This is some Graceland Jungle Room realness.
I can’t get past the benches surround the waterfall. I imagine errant waterfall droplets lightly splashing on the carpeted basement.
Because everyone loves wet carpet.
In a basement.
Ugh.
Question: they are totally throwing in that bumper pool table, right? They should.
P.S. there is a pretty sweet indoor pool.
OK, now go see the full listing HERE.
You know how sometimes you are reading an awesome book and you don’t want it to end? That’s how I felt about pics of this house. I just didn’t want to stop! Also, is it possible to photo-bomb a painting? Painting bomb? Anyway, that’s what that goat did. I’m sure of it.
When you said 300K? I thought it was a bargain. Then…the inside. It hurt my eyes! Another several thousand in remodeling. That one rock feature by the stairs? That’s kind of neat but how on Earth do you keep that clean? The rest of it pretty much would have to go.
Oh man. I live in London and that amount of money wouldn’t even buy a one-bed flat so I am 100% ready to live in this enormous HOUSE though I strongly suspect my migraine would not be into the wallpaper.
I…I want it. But I have so many questions. Is the parrot alive? Did you notice the lamp in the old lady portrait room? Of course not because it doesn’t want to be seen!! Do the curtains come with the house? Does the artwork come with the house? Is it normal to have a shower that big with no curtains? Was I even born yet when this decor was hip?
I would totally drive down from Canada just to tour this house! I must see the waterfall in action.
I would have so many parties in this house! But the guests dresses must match the curtains and the suits match the wallpaper! OMG!
There are so many questions.
Does the waterfall even function anymore? Does the artwork come with the house? (it better)
That sunken shower I’ve seen in other houses doesn’t have a curtain, either. I dunno.
I unironically dig it.
There are some elements that I truly like, too.
Okay part of me wants to say “very nice retro house” the other part of me is saying “WTF” . I can see a Stephen King movie being filmed here in the future.
I would watch the hell out of that Stephen King film.
Wait, what? If I lived here it would be mandatory my guests wear leisure suits and Quiana nylon caftans. I would just lounge around channeling Neely all day! I wouldn’t change a thing!
CAFTANS FOR EVERYONE!