By popular demand, here is another little story from my adventures in online dating. I think it’s a good (bad) one, although nowhere near as stupendous as my date at Elvis Tacos with Baltimore’s angriest little man, Rodney. Because I will never endure a date as bad as the one with Rodney. Fingers crossed. Oh, sweet Christ on a cracker don’t let me go through that again!
So let me tell you about Hank. Well, Hank and I were great during the online messaging part. He seemed like a gem: employed, college-grad, not living with his parents, funny, cute in his pictures–so then we decided to meet in person.
The first date was great. Really great. Nice guy, nice restaurant, nice bars, there was actual conversation. We went out again: nice guy, nice restaurant, nice bars–a solid date. Third time: walking around Artscape, watching some bands, grabbing some beers and wings–it was a good time (especially because I saw the muthafuckin’ Wienermobile).
So, here comes the fourth date (which sounds like Taco Bell Fourth Meal–yes, it’s a thing). I was really stoked because we were going to go duckpin bowling! I love bowling!
But before the bowling we went and grabbed some pizza. Well, between the hush puppies appetizer (Baltimore is weird) and the pizza, I came to a grim realization: Hank was boring. Really, really, really boring.
How did I not realize that sooner? Was my perception distorted because of my horrible experience with Rodney? Had I been drunk the entire time? Was I just still riding the high of seeing the Wienermobile in person?
The duckpin bowling was tedious. I didn’t want to be there anymore. The lanes were dirty and my carpal tunnel was being a bitch. At the end of our session I was all “let’s just call it a night.” And he was all, “no, we need to get one more drink!” So we moved on to another bar.
Since Hank had paid for both pizza and bowling (what a dear), I said I would buy us drinks. I asked him what he wanted and then ordered for the two of us when the bartender arrived.
“The gentleman would like a Lemon Drop,” I said. “And I would like a Natty Boh and a shot of Beam.”
Hank looked panicked. “Oh, if I had known–“
“Nah, dude. It’s cool. I asked you what you wanted and you wanted a Lemon Drop.”
I shit you not, the glass was rimmed in pink sugar crystals.
In all honesty, I think I could overlook the fact that he was boring, but I couldn’t overlook the girly cocktail. I never spoke to him again.
Girl Drink Drunk.
I need something to wash that down.
So I give you, from The 2-in-1 International Recipe Card Collection for Mixed Drinks and Hors D’oeuvres (1977), THE BOILERMAKER. This is one of my favorite ‘cocktails,’ if you can even really call it a cocktail. It’s a shot and a beer.
Well, this was delicious. Whiskey: good. Beer: good. Reuben: good. A Reuben is in my top 3 favorite sandwiches and according to the card it has always delighted food lovers for its seductive combination of texture and flavor. I don’t know if I’d ever call a Reuben seductive–it has sauerkraut on it–but there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with this little combo.
I have another on-line dating update!
The good news is that I actually met a wonderful guy whom I quite fancied.
So I will never see him again.
Darlings, I think I need an intervention. Seriously. Friends don’t let friends serve “diet” hot dog dishes or food with the word ‘cock’ in it to potential suitors. I need someone to Cher me. A Cher-tervention, if you will.
Oh well. I think you’ll agree that my follies make for better material. Besides, I’m a dish best served bitter with a side of bitchy.