Beverage Bonus: Boilermaker

By popular demand, here is another little story from my adventures in online dating. I think it’s a good (bad) one, although nowhere near as stupendous as my date at Elvis Tacos with Baltimore’s angriest little man, Rodney. Because I will never endure a date as bad as the one with Rodney. Fingers crossed. Oh, sweet Christ on a cracker don’t let me go through that again!

So let me tell you about Hank. Well, Hank and I were great during the online messaging part. He seemed like a gem: employed, college-grad, not living with his parents, funny, cute in his pictures–so then we decided to meet in person.

It was glorious!

The first date was great. Really great. Nice guy, nice restaurant, nice bars, there was actual conversation. We went out again: nice guy, nice restaurant, nice bars–a solid date. Third time: walking around Artscape, watching some bands, grabbing some beers and wings–it was a good time (especially because I saw the muthafuckin’ Wienermobile).

So, here comes the fourth date (which sounds like Taco Bell Fourth Meal–yes, it’s a thing). I was really stoked because we were going to go duckpin bowling! I love bowling!

But before the bowling we went and grabbed some pizza. Well, between the hush puppies appetizer (Baltimore is weird) and the pizza, I came to a grim realization: Hank was boring. Really, really, really boring.

How did I not realize that sooner? Was my perception distorted because of my horrible experience with Rodney? Had I been drunk the entire time? Was I just still riding the high of seeing the Wienermobile in person?

The duckpin bowling was tedious. I didn’t want to be there anymore. The lanes were dirty and my carpal tunnel was being a bitch. At the end of our session I was all “let’s just call it a night.” And he was all, “no, we need to get one more drink!” So we moved on to another bar.

Since Hank had paid for both pizza and bowling (what a dear), I said I would buy us drinks. I asked him what he wanted and then ordered for the two of us when the bartender arrived.

“The gentleman would like a Lemon Drop,” I said. “And I would like a Natty Boh and a shot of Beam.”

Hank looked panicked. “Oh, if I had known–“

“Nah, dude. It’s cool. I asked you what you wanted and you wanted a Lemon Drop.”

I shit you not, the glass was rimmed in pink sugar crystals.

Not actual Lemon Drop.

In all honesty, I think I could overlook the fact that he was boring, but I couldn’t overlook the girly cocktail. I never spoke to him again.

Girl Drink Drunk.

I need something to wash that down.

So I give you, from The 2-in-1 International Recipe Card Collection for Mixed Drinks and Hors D’oeuvres (1977), THE BOILERMAKER. This is one of my favorite ‘cocktails,’ if you can even really call it a cocktail. It’s a shot and a beer.

I think I captured the spirit of the original photo.

Well, this was delicious. Whiskey: good. Beer: good. Reuben: good. A Reuben is in my top 3 favorite sandwiches and according to the card it has always delighted food lovers for its seductive combination of texture and flavor. I don’t know if I’d ever call a Reuben seductive–it has sauerkraut on it–but there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with this little combo.

I have another on-line dating update!

The good news is that I actually met a wonderful guy whom I quite fancied.

The bad news is that I made him eat both the Frankfurter Chutney Salad and the Cock-a-Doodle Casserole.

So I will never see him again.

Darlings, I think I need an intervention. Seriously. Friends don’t let friends serve “diet” hot dog dishes or food with the word ‘cock’ in it to potential suitors. I need someone to Cher me. A Cher-tervention, if you will.

Oh well. I think you’ll agree that my follies make for better material. Besides, I’m a dish best served bitter with a side of bitchy.

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20 Responses to Beverage Bonus: Boilermaker

  1. missrose10 says:

    If he didn’t stay around for your dishes, then he ain’t worth keeping any way. Just be yourself because you are awsome and someone will see that. And you are right these frogs you are kissing are making for great blogging.

  2. Jill says:

    I almost don’t even believe that a man would order a Lemon Drop on a date. Seriously? He did that?

  3. silvercat17 says:

    Eh, you should drink what you want to drink and not be insecure about it. He failed the second part. Of course, I do all my drinking at home by myself, so what do I know? (It’s so when I fall asleep after the second drink, I can do it in bed. Also, I’m cheap)

  4. hima says:

    I love this story! But poor Hank…he shared his true lemon drop-loving self with you and you dropped him like a hot weiner.

  5. veg-o-matic says:

    As far as Hank is concerned, I’m guessing that yes, you were drunk the entire time.
    That’s only a guess, of course.
    I loves me a Cosmo, but if I were a straight man on a date with a lady, I’d order bourbon, or a martini at the most.
    Oh, and you need to start posting a Rogue’s Gallery.

  6. Um, I always laugh a lot at your posts but tonight the thing that really made me laugh out loud was Hima’s comment “you dropped him like a hot weiner”. Ha! I’m laughing again as I type it. The interweb is a constant education. Here in London I have never heard of a Lemon Drop (but don’t worry, if I was on a date and he ordered one I’d go to the toilet and climb out the window) and I’m not entirely sure what a Ruben but I am pleased it has been frowned upon by the socially or gastronomically insecure. I also think you’d like to hear this: I was reading your post on my smart phone and for about 10 minutes afterwards, every time I looked at it to see if any boys had sent me a message I could see Cher saying, “SNAP OUT OF IT”. Superb.

  7. phairhead says:

    I had to relate & read yr girl drink drunk story to my husband. What’s it called when someone laughs and winces at the same time?

  8. Jonathan says:

    A side of bitchy? Please. You are sugar sweet, even if you don’t give yourself credit. And I’m telling you, that frankfurter salad is a winner with some minor tweaking. Grill it, cut it, do the salad up different… maybe Chicago dog style with chopped sport peppers, onions, and green relish. Then put that bad boy on a ROLL, it will be amazeballs.

  9. The good news is that if the guy comes back after any dish involving weiners, he’s yours forever…

  10. fifilaru says:

    The Lemon Drop sounds awesome, but I am a girl. The one that Ina Garten makes has over 2.5 ounces of vodka per drink. That is not sissy drink!
    2 cups frozen vodka
    1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
    1/2 cup superfine sugar
    1 lemon, thinly sliced


    Combine the vodka, lemon juice, and sugar and pour into a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour into martini glasses and garnish with lemon slices.

    At least it was not a Pink Lady.

    • Yinzerella says:

      Those girl drinks can knock you on your ass–but there’s something about a dude drinking a frou frou drink. Had it been a gin or vodka martini or an Old Fashioned (basically anything Don Draper would drink), it’d be a whole other story.

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