Smirnoff Copperhead (1974)

I can’t stop writing these.

Version one appeared in Playboy with the following copy:

We wondered recently how come we’d mixed Smirnoff with so many fancy juices but studiously avoided plain old gingerale. Maybe because our parents had mixed gingerale with everything, we were rebelling. Anyway, we did it. We mixed Smirnoff and gingerale, added a squeeze of lime to make it our own, and named it the Copperhead–a lively drink with a bite.

MY TURN!

The Smirnoff Copperhead is a lively drink with a bite. Perfect for sunny fall afternoons, cozy sweaters, and cycling.

Oh, Shelley, she’s such a klutz! She hit her head pretty hard on the curb–hard enough not to notice that she’s sitting in the middle of the street with a man who keeps tools, vodka, and glassware in his backpack. She doesn’t realize he purposely forced her bike off of the road. She should go to the hospital, but he’s taking her to his murder basement.

To make a Copperhead, pour 1 1/2 oz of Smirnoff into a tall glass with ice. Add 4 oz of gingerale, a squeeze of lime, and stir.

The alternate version:

My therapist says that taking care of something–anything–will help lessen the deep loneliness I feel since the kids left for college. So, I’ve replaced my children with plants. And vodka. I keep potting and repotting the same ten plants; by noon I’m too drunk to drive to the nursery to buy more. But I’m not too drunk to pour myself another Copperhead.

To make a Copperhead, pour 1 1/2 oz of Smirnoff into a tall glass with ice. Add 4 oz of gingerale, a squeeze of lime, and stir.

Smirnoff Vodka has really helped me forget why I was lonely in the first place! Sadly, my houseplants can’t help with the mood swings, night sweats and low libido.

Jesus Christ, get off of me, Todd!

Lemme say that there is a reason why vodka is mixed with fancy juices and not ginger ale.

And it’s not because drinkers were rebelling against the highball.