Greetings and salutations!
To those of you who are here because of my stellar appearance on Chopped–
After reading about the show I hope you’ll stick around a bit and peruse the site–eight years of cooking up food from the past–both delicious and disgusting!
And then maybe you can become a fan on Facebook…or follow me on Instagram...hell, while you’re at it, subscribe to the blog!
What you are about to read is from before my episode was broadcast. I came home in April right after the shoot and this is what I wrote…(go to the bottom to read my post-broadcast musings)
At the end of 2018 I received a call from the casting people of Chopped because they were interested in me competing in an amateur competition. So I said why the fuck not? If I didn’t say yes, I’d regret it (or maybe I’ll regret saying yes–I don’t know what the online audience will have to say about my abysmal performance).
Anyway, on reality TV, the producers get final cut. So some of my answers were nixed (translation: boring). They basically prompt you to say what they want. They get on camera things like “I did. I decided. I made. I thought. etc etc” so they can string together whatever narration in post. I may end up sound like a fucking idiot.
Here are my true thoughts and unadulterated answers that may or may not have made it to screen…
What would it mean to be Chopped Champion?
Well, I won’t win. I am a writer and not a cook. I didn’t seek this out, casting approached me. But I just think it’s cool and I wanted to be on TV. It’ll be good for my blog. I’m just happy to be here! I think I said some bullshit about proving I could cook, blah blah blah. No one cares.
What would you do with the prize?
My cat, Brian Boitano, has been sick, so I racked up a lot of credit card debt, so I’d pay that off….(they told me to cut the part about the debt and the cat), so I went with I’d eat my way through the rest of the 50 states. [note: Brian passed about a month after shooting]
How did you get into cooking?
I inherited a collection of recipe cards and cookbooks from my grandmother. I kept flipping through them and then I just began making them and writing about them.
Had this exchange (don’t know if it will make the cut):
Maureen McCormick: It’s important to have things like that to stay connected with your grandmother.
Me: Not really. She never made anything from these books.
What did you make?
Firstly: I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Ted just mentioned the Hawaii vacation, so apparently my mind went to Hawaii with the pork and pineapple. I put it on skewers kinda like a rumaki a la Trader Vic’s Polynesian restaurant. Cheese balls should be constructed, not destructed. I make the cheese balls. I had no idea what the fuck to do with the vegetables. I don’t know why I thought I could somehow get a smooth puree in that time. It was a hot mess. I shouldn’t have served it.
Susan, I’m sorry that you hate pork. Chris, I’m sorry that I didn’t put the cheese anywhere.
What edge did you have in the competition?
None. I had no idea what I was doing. (I was prompted to talk about how I was used to cooking with pre-packaged foods. Also, you can’t say SPAM).
What did you think of the other contestants?
Luke had tons of tattoos and looked like a chef. It’s like they got him from Central Casting. He looked like he knows how to butcher things.
Cat seemed very nice. But I can’t believe she cried in the first round over her kids. The first round!
Kelly? She is a xenophobic, racist, bigot who justifies it by saying she lives in the woods. Girl, you have cable. If you’re such a big fan of the show, you should know that Jewish/kosher food is a thing. Oriental is a rug, not a people. You are not a better American just because you live in a rural area and are against globalization.
What is your favorite Brady Bunch episode?
The one where the kids enter the talent show to get the silver platter for their parents’ anniversary engraved. They sing “Keep On” and “Sunshine Day.”
I have no idea what the 24 year old dude would say to this question. I’m pretty sure the producers made him redo his walk into the studio because he had no idea who the special guest judges were.
Tied for my #1 favorite episode: Getting Davy Jones.
R.I.P Davy. Note–when I saw “The Real Live Brady Bunch” at Slippery Rock University, they did that episode and DAVY JONES WAS THERE (and wearing the same coat he wore on that episode).
What was the best part of the show?
Meeting Maureen, Susan, and Chris! They were super-nice and I’m so happy I had the chance to meet them. I got hugs! I also liked doing the talking-head interviews. Because I like to talk. The producers were all really cool.
Are you disappointed?
Not one bit. I’m just happy to be here! I totally deserved to be chopped first; my food is fucking embarrassing. Chris Knight had a lot to say about how bad it was and it was all 100% true. Hence, why I didn’t try to defend anything I made.
Yes, it was lame to be kicked out on a 70s challenge, but I had a blast!
Note: They should’ve given me the apron. You get nothing for appearing on the show. NOTHING.
Honestly, I was I was kind of relieved to be knocked off. I was already on set from 6am to 1pm and that was just for the first round. Also, I think the other people were actual hard-core fans of the show. Plus, the only food was some inedible toast when we first arrived. They don’t have craft services on this set?
From the July/August 2019 issue of Food Network Magazine:
Well, Ted, I didn’t get any CRAFTY.
By lunchtime, I was hungry. When I left the studio, I went out for a couple of glasses of rose and a nosh. Then went cookbook shopping at the fabulous Kitchen Arts & Letters and found these gems:
That night I went to an incredibly small Japanese restaurant and ordered the tomato with egg and cheese. I was curious.
News flash: it tasted like tomato, egg, and cheese. Like a grilled cheese in a bowl.
Any regrets?
In my life, I’ve only ever regretted the things that I didn’t do. So I’m glad I said yes. My only regret (aside from that fucking puree) is that I didn’t get to drink the rum on set. It was literally the only reason I grabbed it and put it in the pork pan. But I didn’t have a vessel to drink it in (we were told not to drink out of the bottle), so no rum for me!
Did you think you would win?
Absolutely not. I’m just happy to be here! But I should win the prize for dirtiest cooking space (and apron. I was filthy)!
The producers stressed to have a dessert dish ready. So I did. I’ll probably make that for the blog.
What are you going to do now?
Keep cooking and writing. The blog is a big part of who I am.
You could appear on a redemption episode. Would you do it again?
I liked the television and interview part, and being on set was cool, but I’m a writer not a chef. I’d have to really think about it. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I don’t know if that would change in the future. Plus, I’m probably going to be eviscerated online for my performance.
Post-broadcast thoughts…I loved this edit because they were super-kind when it came to my food.
Otherwise, I was represented as I should have–funny, having fun, and looking much younger than 40 (and my apartment was FAAAABOULOUS). Plus, after the show, Peter Mutherfucking Brady followed me on IG. #winning
Also, for everyone who texted me and asked if the kid who won was a total douche? I don’t know about his day-to-day, but he was a solid dude when I was with him.
Damn, Rudy. It’s just not right to drink cider and Smirnoff when it’s 80 degrees…
I love autumn. I love the colors. The falling leaves. Pumpkins. Hay rides. Halloween. Football.…
I am on Jury Duty, and there isn't much to say about Card No. 192,…
You are reading this because Mr. Sauce, Esq. pointed out I didn't do a single…
Sounds easy. And it's only 1 hour! 6:15 pm I start cooking since Mr. Sauce,…
When we first introduced this drink, we were of two minds about it. "Tastes as…
This website uses cookies.
View Comments
Thanks for not calling me a douche! Had a great time meeting and cooking with you. You've got a new reader.
Ha! For some reason I got that question a few times. I didn't understand why :)
Saw you on CHOPPED. My husband and I (married in 1979) are big fans of CHOPPED and I saw you display some recipe cards and I swear they are the same ones my grandmother gave me when I got married. I still have them and use them for recipe ideas.
And OMG I'm just seeing that you are a Pittsburgher. Me too. I'm a former blogger too. LOLpsychic and Biggest Leeker. The latter is all fake news about Adam Lambert. I had fun writing them, but now concentrate on a sitcom I created set in PITTSBURGH and it features the famous wedding cookie table. LOL
Those are the original set from my Gramsy that started it all!
I love Adam Lambert! And this sitcom...do you have a treatment ready or is it in production...?
I'm so interested.
Oh my God this is amazing!!! It's so cool that you did it! Who cares that you got Chopped first? It's badass to even put something together on that show!
We’re so glad we saw you on that episode and found your blog. We’re chopped fans and have similar interests in vintage dishes, specifically Vincent Price and Liberace, (along with a big box of cards and books from my grandma). I really liked the behind-the-scenes insights. You are a scream and are also awesome! We’re also weirdos who blog, (compliment intended), check us out at thedeadhistory.com. =)
Anyone who loves Lee is a friend of mine!
Your site is pretty. Just subscribed!
I saw you on Chopped and really enjoyed. I love pork and pineapple kabobs, but I don't know what I would have done with those veggies either. I don't like any frozen veggies that have carrots in them. I either like totally roasted carrots or carrots that are raw. I am so glad I got to see you and found this blog. Since I graduated in 1971, I am sure I would totally enjoy your blog!!
Hi! The veggies...ugh. the veggies. Thank you for stopping by and I hope that you check back often!
I'm glad I stopped by today (coz I just spiffed up my Teriyaki Marinted Stead from the Williamsburg cookbook, and it was linked to that post of yours) and I was like OMG!! Ok I will watch tomorrow!!
By the way, Davey Jones kissed me once! Very platonic. I was like 13. He came off the stage and sang to me and then gave me a little peck!!
I love the Willliamsburg Cookbook (as you know). I hope you enjoyed the episode. (totes jealous about Davy)
Crap! I forgot. My mind is a sieve!! I will watch for the reruns!! So fun to hear about behind the scenes and how I will
Fabulous!
Yes, here after watching the episode.
1. How were you "discovered" if you're not " a cook"?
2. Sorry about your cat.
3. I might have pureed those veggies, too. Only I would have cooked them first.
Thanks--I still miss my Brian every day :(
The casting people found me because of my blog and my youtube. I guess they googled "retro food blogger" or some other version. There are 2 other women I know who kind of do the same thing and I know that they were approached by the show. Maybe they were going to try to do an episode with just folks that do what I do?
I tried to cook the veggies a bit...but it would not have mattered what I did. It was a fail from the get-go.
It's good to know that producers are usually looking for specific types of answers. I generally just skip parts of the show that introduce the cooks, etc. because they are usually such cookie-cutter bullshit. I did watch yours, though, and I laughed so hard at the Jell-O salad v. dessert bit that my husband came from another room and made me rewind so he could see it too.
I was sad to see you chopped because I wanted to see more, but I must be bad luck because the person I'm rooting for usually gets the ax (or cleaver, I should say).
I will admit that I yelled at you that the texture would be bad when you used the immersion blender to puree the sauce. I knew that not because I'm an awesome chef but because I used to be a cook in a nursing home. I have pureed more than you would even guess. (I've even pureed Jell-O! Not the fancy kind with fruit and other stuff floating in it, just plain Jell-O. Some people need everything to be a pudding consistency, so the protocol was to puree the Jell-O to make it liquid again, and then add instant thickening powder to make it more like pudding.) The point is, I know pureeing, but my screaming at the TV did not help you one bit. I'm glad you had so much fun!
FYI--they had me take a bite of the jello with the mayo and it was so bad I had to spit it into the sink!
Pureeing the veggies! Those damn veggies. I was at a loss and had no idea what I was doing. LOL! But it didn't matter much--I did have such a good time!
I had no idea what the hell I was doing with the puree
Be proud ... what an amazing experience! We loved watching you take on Chopped.
Thank you so much!