I Was Chopped!

Greetings and salutations!

To those of you who are here because of my stellar appearance on Chopped–

Welcome to Dinner is Served 1972!

After reading about the show I hope you’ll stick around a bit and peruse the site–eight years of cooking up food from the past–both delicious and disgusting!

And then maybe you can become a fan on Facebook…or follow me on Instagram...hell, while you’re at it, subscribe to the blog!

What you are about to read is from before my episode was broadcast. I came home in April right after the shoot and this is what I wrote…(go to the bottom to read my post-broadcast musings)

At the end of 2018 I received a call from the casting people of Chopped because they were interested in me competing in an amateur competition. So I said why the fuck not? If I didn’t say yes, I’d regret it (or maybe I’ll regret saying yes–I don’t know what the online audience will have to say about my abysmal performance).

Anyway, on reality TV, the producers get final cut. So some of my answers were nixed (translation: boring). They basically prompt you to say what they want. They get on camera things like “I did. I decided. I made. I thought. etc etc” so they can string together whatever narration in post. I may end up sound like a fucking idiot.

Here are my true thoughts and unadulterated answers that may or may not have made it to screen…

What would it mean to be Chopped Champion?
Well, I won’t win. I am a writer and not a cook. I didn’t seek this out, casting approached me. But I just think it’s cool and I wanted to be on TV. It’ll be good for my blog. I’m just happy to be here! I think I said some bullshit about proving I could cook, blah blah blah. No one cares.

What would you do with the prize?
My cat, Brian Boitano, has been sick, so I racked up a lot of credit card debt, so I’d pay that off….(they told me to cut the part about the debt and the cat), so I went with I’d eat my way through the rest of the 50 states. [note: Brian passed about a month after shooting]

How did you get into cooking?
I inherited a collection of recipe cards and cookbooks from my grandmother. I kept flipping through them and then I just began making them and writing about them.

Had this exchange (don’t know if it will make the cut):

Maureen McCormick: It’s important to have things like that to stay connected with your grandmother.

Me: Not really. She never made anything from these books.

What did you make?
Firstly: I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Ted just mentioned the Hawaii vacation, so apparently my mind went to Hawaii with the pork and pineapple. I put it on skewers kinda like a rumaki a la Trader Vic’s Polynesian restaurant. Cheese balls should be constructed, not destructed. I make the cheese balls. I had no idea what the fuck to do with the vegetables. I don’t know why I thought I could somehow get a smooth puree in that time. It was a hot mess. I shouldn’t have served it.

Susan, I’m sorry that you hate pork. Chris, I’m sorry that I didn’t put the cheese anywhere.

What edge did you have in the competition?
None. I had no idea what I was doing. (I was prompted to talk about how I was used to cooking with pre-packaged foods. Also, you can’t say SPAM).

What did you think of the other contestants?

Luke had tons of tattoos and looked like a chef. It’s like they got him from Central Casting. He looked like he knows how to butcher things.

Cat seemed very nice. But I can’t believe she cried in the first round over her kids. The first round!

Kelly? She is a xenophobic, racist, bigot who justifies it by saying she lives in the woods. Girl, you have cable. If you’re such a big fan of the show, you should know that Jewish/kosher food is a thing. Oriental is a rug, not a people. You are not a better American just because you live in a rural area and are against globalization.

What is your favorite Brady Bunch episode?
The one where the kids enter the talent show to get the silver platter for their parents’ anniversary engraved. They sing “Keep On” and “Sunshine Day.”

I have no idea what the 24 year old dude would say to this question. I’m pretty sure the producers made him redo his walk into the studio because he had no idea who the special guest judges were.

Tied for my #1 favorite episode: Getting Davy Jones.

R.I.P Davy. Note–when I saw “The Real Live Brady Bunch” at Slippery Rock University, they did that episode and DAVY JONES WAS THERE (and wearing the same coat he wore on that episode).

What was the best part of the show?
Meeting Maureen, Susan, and Chris! They were super-nice and I’m so happy I had the chance to meet them. I got hugs! I also liked doing the talking-head interviews. Because I like to talk. The producers were all really cool.

Are you disappointed?
Not one bit. I’m just happy to be here! I totally deserved to be chopped first; my food is fucking embarrassing. Chris Knight had a lot to say about how bad it was and it was all 100% true. Hence, why I didn’t try to defend anything I made.

Yes, it was lame to be kicked out on a 70s challenge, but I had a blast!

Note: They should’ve given me the apron. You get nothing for appearing on the show. NOTHING.

Honestly, I was I was kind of relieved to be knocked off. I was already on set from 6am to 1pm and that was just for the first round. Also, I think the other people were actual hard-core fans of the show. Plus, the only food was some inedible toast when we first arrived. They don’t have craft services on this set?

From the July/August 2019 issue of Food Network Magazine:

Well, Ted, I didn’t get any CRAFTY.

By lunchtime, I was hungry. When I left the studio, I went out for a couple of glasses of rose and a nosh. Then went cookbook shopping at the fabulous Kitchen Arts & Letters and found these gems:

That night I went to an incredibly small Japanese restaurant and ordered the tomato with egg and cheese. I was curious.

News flash: it tasted like tomato, egg, and cheese. Like a grilled cheese in a bowl.

Any regrets?

In my life, I’ve only ever regretted the things that I didn’t do. So I’m glad I said yes. My only regret (aside from that fucking puree) is that I didn’t get to drink the rum on set. It was literally the only reason I grabbed it and put it in the pork pan. But I didn’t have a vessel to drink it in (we were told not to drink out of the bottle), so no rum for me!

Did you think you would win?
Absolutely not. I’m just happy to be here! But I should win the prize for dirtiest cooking space (and apron. I was filthy)!

The producers stressed to have a dessert dish ready. So I did. I’ll probably make that for the blog.

What are you going to do now?
Keep cooking and writing. The blog is a big part of who I am.

You could appear on a redemption episode. Would you do it again?
I liked the television and interview part, and being on set was cool, but I’m a writer not a chef. I’d have to really think about it. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I don’t know if that would change in the future. Plus, I’m probably going to be eviscerated online for my performance.

Post-broadcast thoughts…I loved this edit because they were super-kind when it came to my food.

Otherwise, I was represented as I should have–funny, having fun, and looking much younger than 40 (and my apartment was FAAAABOULOUS). Plus, after the show, Peter Mutherfucking Brady followed me on IG. #winning

Also, for everyone who texted me and asked if the kid who won was a total douche? I don’t know about his day-to-day, but he was a solid dude when I was with him.