Twin Peaks Eats: Cherry Chocolate Pie (1966)

Today is National Milk Chocolate Day!

And on Twin Peaks: The Return, Agent Cooper finally had himself some damn good cherry pie.

OMG, that look of food bliss on Kyle MacLachlan’s face! I truly believe that pie should be celebrated on the regular. 

So for this special day, I’m going into the archives for a delicious Cherry Chocolate Pie (plus ranting about sex, food, and sex incorporating food.)

Here we go back to October of 2013………………………………………………….

Yum. Chocolate cherry!

Hey, anyone ever see that shitty sci-fi movie Cherry 2000 starring Melanie Griffith?Did you know that it is her and Don Johnson’s daughter Dakota Johnson who will be starring in the 50 Shades of Gray movie? True story: she is the spawn of Working Girl and Miami Vice.

Is there a weird food scene in 50 Shades? There has to be a weird food scene, right? Like in 9 1/2 Weeks when Mickey Rourke (original face, still-hot Mickey Rourke) feeds Kim Basinger strawberries?

And jalepenos. And olives. And Jell-O. Because all single dudes conveniently have Jell-O on hand. And not just Jell-O cups. I’m talking, full on, fluted-mold Jell-O.

Actually, if you know a single guy who does always have Jell-O stocked, let me know. It might be true love.

Real talk: does anyone think that this scene is genuinely hot? Me, all I could think of is “who the fuck is going to clean this all up?” And at the end when he brings out the little honey bear? I had to cover my eyes. Sticky floors for months! If I were his maid, I’d quit.

It’s like sex on the beach: in theory, it’s From Here to Eternity. In reality, I just imagine lots of sand in places that there shouldn’t be sand. And back to 9 1/2 Weeks—-you know that scene where they bone in the stairwell under the drainpipes? Holy fuck that would hurt. All that concrete and brick. Just scraping a knee or an elbow on asphalt is horrible. Now imagine road rash on basically every single part of your body. Sweet Christ on a cracker. And! Mickey Rourke ruined a perfectly good t-shirt by ripping it in half. Asshat.

I forget, wasn’t he a total dick in that movie?

Was there even a plot in that movie?

But yeah, 50 Shades of Gray. What must Tippi Hedren think? You know who Tippi is, right? She was a Hitchcock blonde–Marnie. The Birds. Anyhoo, Tippi is Melanie Griffith’s mom, hence she is Dakota Johnson’s grandma. So, seriously, what do you think Tippi feels about all this? How much do they think they’ll get away with for this movie to get an R rating? I haven’t read the book–and no, not because I am against smut. I am totally pro-smut; but I heard that it was so horribly, horribly, written. I’m no great wordsmith, but I do like to think that if I were writing a book about dirty, kinky, S&M sexy-times, I would not have the female protagonist say “oh my” every time the male lead whips out his disco stick.

I also think could also come up with a lot more synonyms for a penis.

Because that is my new hobby since I retired Wiener Wednesdays.

So how was the pie? Delectable. It wasn’t much to look at, but it totally tasted like a chocolate covered cherry.

And I totally didn’t eat the leftovers straight from the aluminum pan while watching a Golden Girls marathon.

I just had a thought–how in the hell wasn’t there whipped cream in the 9 1/2 Weeks food montage?

What, too cliched?