Oh Hell NOKCupid

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by yinzerella

undatableIt’s been a while, hasn’t it? 

The last time I treated you to tales of my dating woe was The DejaDate back in March. I know how much you love hearing about my OKCupid dates, so I opened my good ol’ datebook and looked back to see what I’ve been up to since then. Now we can all laugh (or cry) together over how sad it is to be 35 and single in Baltimore***. 

Let’s start with the Italian doctor. Smart. Accomplished. I’m sure he had a nice retirement fund. He was a real grown-up with a house in the County (and the kid to go with it. Blarg. But whatever). The doctor was really good on paper. Just like Dr. Bradley Meego (does anyone else get this reference?)

paper
Honestly, I don’t know. I’m never with anyone who is good on paper.

Potential, potential, potential. I wanted to like him, but it just wasn’t there. I wish that I was one of those girls who can fake it (and I don’t mean orgasms, I mean interest, attraction and affection). But I just can’t. Hence, I’ll never be a trophy wife.

Well, and I don’t have the tits for it.

Moving forward, there was a guy who is noteworthy only for the fact he has the exact same Vonnegut tattoo as Cleve (for you new friends: that’s ex-boyfriend from over 2 years ago Cleve).  Seriously, that’s the only thing I remember about this dude.

Real talk: is it mandatory for all men under-35 to get Vonnegut tattoos? This was at least the 4th guy I’ve met with one. I don’t want to say it’s cliched, but…

biancaI also had drinks with a musician who, in all his profile pictures, wore a wool cap. He even showed up on the date sporting said wool cap.

It was the end of May.

On a hot day.

What was lurking under that cap? Was he bald? Did he have a Gorbechev birthmark? I will never know. Plus, he was wearing puka shells.

next

I was out on a date at a completely over-rated restaurant, when I learned that apparently if you list “average” as your body type, it means you’re flat-out chubby. I can only imagine what it means if you categorize yourself as having “a little extra.” And I’m not body-shaming here, I’m just calling out the lying.

shade

Here’s a change of pace: I actually met someone off-line, at a block party. He was cute. We were flirty. We exchanged numbers. I thought, how exciting to meet someone not on OKCupid! Maybe this will make a difference! But when we went out on our date, he showed up stoned. Super-stoned. We had nothing to talk about. Also, he had no idea who The Kids in the Hall are. Oh, and it turns out he was only 23.

sam1

There was also the self-described foodie who wore a pinky ring. Who wears pinky rings? Mobsters from New Jersey, that’s who.

teresa

On a brunch date at another over-rated, over-priced restaurant (I’m looking at you, Food Market), I met up with a young attorney. He was tall, kinda cute, and like I said, a lawyer. There was potential there, people!

I ordered a Bloody Mary and some Crab Eggs Benedict. He ordered an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. AT BRUNCH. Who the hell gets dessert at brunch? And the appetizer he ordered–it was a dessert! He bookended his brunch with desserts. Also, I have never seen anyone eat so fast in my entire life. Not Joey Chestnut fast, but it still bordered on impressive.

Applause Fromage animated GIF
How are you not watching HANNIBAL yet???

He was a really nice guy. With a really great metabolism. But the way he hoovered that food? Not attractive. I couldn’t overlook it. Oh, and man did my Crab Eggs Benedict suck. I asked for cocktail sauce the dish was so bland. Food Market fail.

Moving on–I found a guy on OKCupid that looked a little like Nicolas Cage. I shit you not. They could’ve been related. Awesome, right? I mean, for me, that’s like hitting the jackpot. So we made plans to meet for a drink during the World Cup.

He showed up in a bolo tie (where does one even find a bolo tie?). And although he was a dude who was involved in very interesting things (artist-type) he was boring. Bo-ring. Thank God that there was a game to watch. And thank God for booze.

Also of note: he did not ask me a single question about myself the entire time. At the end I actually said to him, you know, you’re a really lousy date.

He seemed shocked.

nick-cage-face-off
Sorry, dude. You’ll never know unless someone tells you.

Since I was obviously not having luck with the guys that I typically go out with, I conducted an experiment and dated a guy outside of my comfort zone. Waaaaay outside my comfort zone. He was in his early 40s and had two kids. Totally outside my comfort zone.

But he was smart, well-read, politically-involved, interesting, and had a dry sense of humor. There was something very professorial about him. All good things. He was totally a grown-up.

But his situation was…interesting. He was separated from his wife and they had joint custody of the kids. Now, the estranged wife had a love nest with her boyfriend. But they didn’t want the kids to know that. So on the days where it was her turn with the kids, she moved back into the house with him. So for 4 days of the week they all lived together. Which, if you are familiar with Maryland divorce laws, you know that you have to live in separate domiciles for a year before you can even file for divorce. So, you can see, this marriage wasn’t gonna be dissolved for a very long time.

Let me recap: not only was he over 40 and with two kids, he had a part-time roommate who happened to be his estranged wife.

kim

But still, I thought, it’s fine. I’m enjoying myself. He seems pretty great. This was an experiment!

That was until the wife’s love nest went up in flames. Literally. Her apartment caught on fire. So she had to move back into the house with him full-time. She lost everything. Everything. Except for her pet rats.

no time

Fuck that shit.

And that, my friends, is where I’m at. The last crap date I went on was back in June. But I ain’t gonna let that streak of shitty dates get me down. Because:

fab

Or crazy.

Whatever. You say tomato, I say tomahto.

***How sad? Just before I posted this, I got an OKCupid Email. One of my matches? A cross-dresser. Maybe I should just throw in the towel, adopt another cat, and accept a life of spinsterhood. 
 
(Be sure to check out realitytvgifs.com for more awesome pictures).

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yinzerella

31 thoughts on “Oh Hell NOKCupid”

  2. While I was reading this, the radio was actually playing a song called, “Dump That Chump.” Serendipity! Or synchronicity! Or something.
    In my collection of humor books, I have two that are compilations of “worst date ever” stories. For some reason people find it cheering to swap bad-date stories … I guess it reassures us that we’re not alone in having had bad dates!
    I met my husband through a hiking club. At some point I figured that I would just join activities in which I was interested, and then at least I would meet people with whom I had something in common, whether romance blossomed or not.
    It’s a weird thing about dating–when it’s going well it’s wonderful. And when it’s not going well, it’s really awful. There’s such a HUGE range of possibility there!

  3. Yes, I did read this post. That’s why I mentioned in mine today that online dating is not the be-all and end-all. A lot of people think it is, because they can’t conceive of any other way of meeting somebody. I prefer meeting men in person because in a couple of minutes you can get a sense if they are capable of holding a comfortable conversation, and see their height and other physical details. They can’t hide some things if they’re standing there in front of you, breathing. I think online dating is ONE way of meeting someone special but it’s not the ONLY way. I met a date during my last job when I volunteered to help move equipment from our old office to our new space and he was one of the painters/construction workers putting the finishing touches in our new office. We noticed each other, smiled and started talking. Also, I have found that men my age (42) or older are less likely to be heavily reliant on mobile phones and texting, and still know how to treat a woman on a date…probably because my generation (Gen X) made it out of our teens before all that stuff came on the scene.

    What’s that saying about insanity being defined as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? That’s how online dating in my experience was for me. If my gut tells me at some point to give it another try, I will, but for now I’m concentrating on improving my life and practicing with engaging men in person.

  5. 20+ responses!!! You never got that many for making a jello mold. Give the people what they want!

    Remember, misery loves company 🙂

  7. EHarmony is not much of a loss – 4 out of 4 matches they sent me were scammers! Down to one of them using photos of an Australian National hero, War Veteran and VC winner! Like the poor unsuspecting girls would not notice his odd resemblance to a man that is revered across the nation. But it all adds up to the tales of How I met your Father……… One day I will take a scrapbooking class just so I can make the whole experience zazzy!

  8. I had my share of crazies. The very worst date was the 50 something guy (I was 20, and he clearly lied about his age) telling me I had, “Big legs, and should get with the programme.” I was treated to an evening of hearing about all the, “bitches and whores” he knows. At some point in the evening he had been peering in my mouth as I spoke because he pointed out that I had a tooth missing (I mean, a friggin molar! You have to *really* look to spot a missing molar) and should get it replaced. The next day, when he called to see if I’d like to go out again I had to explain to him why I didn’t want a second date.

    By the time I met my husband I was just so relieved he had manners I think I overlooked everything else. “Yeah, I could live with this guy and not want to kill him” became my criteria. 22 years later, I still don’t want to kill him (most days) so I guess you could say it is working out. The manners thing deteriorates considerably after the first decade though, so be warned.

    Pukka shells, huh? I’d have passed on that one too.

  9. Honey, it only gets worse. I’ve dated from my mid-40s to early ’50s and the dates get weirder. Everyone thinks they have THE worst bad date stories — I’m no exception. I finally took a break about three years ago and I don’t miss it at all.

  10. Ok 1st you can buy tits and I hope you at least had a nice romp with the 23 year old, those are harder to catch the older you get, they run so freaking fast. Eharmony may not have had someone for you at the time but it may not hurt to try again. Match from what I hear is really great if you want one night stands but what I got the most out of this is you were happiest with the one that was not your normal type. I say keep trying that you never know where it will lead you, maybe a movie deal.

    1. Change of scenery as in different website? Match.com was even worse. And I took the free eHarmony test—there were no matches for me. Yes, you read that right: EHARMONY TOLD ME I WAS UNMATCHABLE.

      1. Say what?!? At least they could’ve lied to you..

        No, what I was thinking is changing scenes to a larger city. Friend of mine dated all the possible matches in this town and he took my advice and moved out. He’s in Chicago now with tons of dates met online and off.

        Hang in there, you’re too awesome to be on this losing streak too long.

  13. Okay honey – I have two really great stories for you because they will give you hope, I promise! I was married from 17-21 to my daughter’s father. 1 week after our first anniversary we had my daughter – immaturity and a child doomed that marriage. I got educated, raised my daughter, and educated her – and then 1 week after she graduated with her undergrad I met him…….I was 42 and turns out I would be wife number 4. He had/has issues – we all do but I insisted he and then we get counseling before marriage. That was 10 years ago and let me tell you, it was so worth the wait! Don’t rush. I know it’s disheartening and it hurts and you feel like you are the only one – but that’s not true at all – you will meet him and while he will never be all you want him to be, he will be what you need and that’s what counts when you take your last breath.

    Next: Daughter’s story. She married someone who wasn’t worth her time (daddy issues) and it lasted 18 months. No kids and she moved back home. She didn’t look at anyone for 2 years then I convinced her to go on Match.com. where she met some losers. She went on a lot of dates that were awful. she decided to take her profile down. When she signed on, some guy had “winked” at her. She said something about it and then said – I’m not even going to bother. I yelled at her from the other room to stop immediately and put that mouse down! We had a laptop back then. I and her best friend convinced her to “wink” back at the guy. A 2PM Memorial Day date was set. We had safe numbers/calls/words all set. They met at Starbucks. At 6PM I called and she texted the words “going great”. At 8PM she called to let me know they were heading to a restaurant. She got home at 1AM and had work by 7AM. They have been married 4 years now and have a 2 year old son. They are happy as clams!

    You will find him. It may not be today and it may very well be when you think your time has past – but you will meet him. It always happens! 🙂 xoxoxo

    Sorry, this was very long………….I talk too much sometimes!

    1. Congrats to you and your daughter! Thanks for the encouragement.

      However, I’m really not that worried about it. And I am in no rush. The pickings may be slim, but I’m having fun–and have fun(ny) stories to share with you guys!

  15. I was hoping “Wool Hat” was a Mike Nesmith fan…but I do not remember Mike wearing pooka shells. Now Davy, or Peter, or Micky, I could see that.

    1. Sorry, I’m so outta’ touch I can’t even spell “puka’ right!

      Do all men from Baltimore “accessorize”? Sounds like an awful lot of BLING!

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