5. Stuffed Crown Roast of Pork

I recently fell off the face of social media because my brother got married on Saturday and I was back home in Pittsburgh for 5 days. I tend to fall off the grid when I go home.

I was my bro Nic’s BEST PERSON (which I am every day, but on Saturday it just happened to be printed on a bunch of pretty, blue programs) and it was awesome. Just a beautiful wedding and I had an immense amount of fun.

The whole weekend was full of family and friends and lots of celebratory drinks and food (which included an honest-to-God baked Italian hoagie because they just don’t make that shit in Baltimore). There were lots of highlights (for those of you in the know, I got two words: Cousin. Josh.), but I thought I’d share my favorite conversation from the wedding:

INT.  PITTSBURGH CENTER FOR THE ARTS–COCKTAIL HOUR

In front of a giant, tiered fruit and cheese display (hello, smoked Gouda!) EMILY and AUNT stand.

AUNT: Emily, you really lost the weight!

EMILY: You mean since I lost it all 5 years ago? Well, yeah. Kept it off.

AUNT: Do you have a date tonight?

EMILY: I didn’t get a date.

AUNT: You couldn’t get a date?

EMILY: No, I didn’t get a plus-one.

AUNT: Oh. But are you seeing anyone?

EMILY: I’m seeing a lot. You know the whole “from across a crowded room I saw him” thing? Well, when I look across a crowded room I see all of them.

AUNT: But you could still get a date?

EMILY: Uh. Yeah. Have you seen me? 

EMILY takes her Pinot Grigio to another part of the room.

I kinda loved that. But like I said, it was a fantastic night. A fantastic wedding! And I not only kicked ass at my Best Person speech, I looked fantastic (have you seen me?).

I capped off the weekend by preparing a Stuffed Crown Roast of Pork for my mum and dad. Well, I guess you can say that I crowned the weekend with the pork. Whatever.

OK, quick run-down because I’m still catching up with my life. Plus, although this looks all fancy-schmancy, nothing was particularly difficult. There were a lot of things going on, but nothing was hard.

My mum bought a 8-rib pork crown roast. The recipe called for 18 ribs. Imagine how giant this would be if we bought 18 ribs.

Per DiS! directions, I put little tin foil antennas on all of the bone ends:

While the roast was roasting, I put the acorn squash in the oven (after nuking the halves for about 18 minutes in the microwave) and made the caramel custards. If you want to know what recipe I used, you can go ask Betty Crocker.

Here is what the crown looked like after the first round of roasting and was ready to be stuffed with the walnut stuffing:

The cavity was rather small so the rest of the stuffing we baked in a small dish.

The next step (at 20 minutes left to roast) I topped the thing with preserved kumquats. I think you know where I’m going here–where the hell does someone find preserved kumquats? I definitely needed them. The photo is begging for them!

My solution: Amazon. I actually went on Amazon and bought kumquats. A big, 1-pound bag of candied kumquats. And had them delivered to my parents’ house.

So I cut little slashes on one end of each kumquat and shoved it onto the bone tips.

They looked oddly like those big, old-timey glass Christmas light bulbs. The kind that break each and every time you bring them out of the garage and try to hang them on the porch.

I miss those lights. Fuck halogen twinkle lights.

Somewhere in there my mum made the baked tomatoes, which are simple, gluten-free, low-carb, and diabetic friendly. Oh, and tasty, too.

Blondonna’s Baked Tomatoes

• 2 big slicing tomatoes
• olive oil
• Italian herbs, dried or fresh (Parsley, Basil, Oregano)
• garlic salt
• shredded or grated Parmesan cheese

Slice tomatoes into big slices (the thicker the slices, the better chance they will hold their shape) and take out the hard core of each slice. Put on baking sheet. Brush with a mixture of olive oil, herbs, and garlic salt (all to taste). Top each slice with sprinkling of cheese. Bake in oven at 375 for 25 minutes or until cheese is bubbly.

 

Mum also made a cucumber and sour cream salad earlier in the day. That, too, is simple, gluten-free, low carb, and diabetic-friendly. But I didn’t watch her so I don’t know exactly what goes into that aside from cucumber and sour cream.

OK, roast is done!

Here is it, sliced:

Neato!

My notes: this was good. But I think that the crown should have been basted throughout roasting—maybe with a glaze made from some of the liquid from the candied kumquats and some chopped up fruit. Just a thought.

I liked the stuffing. I never thought of putting walnuts in a stuffing, but it was nice texturally and flavor-wise.

Tomatoes, delicious as always.

The squash we baked with butter and brown sugar and cinnamon and nutmeg. Not a damn thing wrong with that. And it really went well with the pork.

Kumquats? I’m all for ’em.

I will chalk #5 up as a win.

Oh! Dessert:

Yum!

In closing, since people seem to really like wedding pictures, here’s one my mum took at the reception:

That’s all I got. I took all of three pictures the entire day. I fail.

But here is the rad wedding present I got the couple:

Now, before you tell me how weird I am (although I am weird), let me tell you that before I commissioned the portraits, I asked Laura which was her favorite photo of her and Nic and that’s what she chose! And the artist did a damn fine job!

Congrats again to the happy couple!!!

Post-wedding I kinda have a sister now. Weird. But cool. I guess I should really find out when her birthday is. Amiright?