Homemade McRib (yes, you read that correctly)

Have I told you that I like the McRib? Let me rephrase that. Have I told you that I love the McRib?

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you definitely aware. But for those of you who are unaware, I am a McRib lover.

Although the McRib was first invented in 1981 and has been on the McDonalds menu off and on since then, I was a McRib virgin until the fall of 2010. Dearly Departed Cleve introduced me to it. That first bite of BBQ porky goodness hit my tongue and I LOST. MY. MIND. Then last fall I had TWO McRibs (the second one I won through McRib Locator. Yes, I won a McRib. Don’t judge).

The McRib is sooo good. That sauce! Sooo weird. Mystery pork product!  And sooo available for a limited time only.

Speaking of which, I guess the limited availability isn’t just a marketing ploy–it is because of wonky worldwide pork production. Did you know that we are on the cusp of a global pork-shortage a.k.a. the great bacon drought of 2013? For serious. I would not joke about this. So buy your bacon now. Freeze it.

That is, unless you think that turkey bacon is acceptable (and that is a choice that every person must make for themselves).

Well, because of this impending doom, McDonalds has pushed McRib season from October-November to December. DECEMBER?!?!

Brian, hit it:

Are you frickin’ kidding me, MickyD’s? I really thought I’d be taking down some delicious McRibs by the end of this month.

Well, to tide us over, the guy at Top Secret Recipes came up with his own D-I-Y version. And God bless him. Top Secret Todd is a scholar and a gentleman and a great American.

The ingredient list is short but the recipe is long (albeit easy) so go HERE to read his top-secret, top-notch recipe. But long story short–put pork in food processor with salt, sugar, and water. Shape into patties. Freeze. Cook in skillet. Cover in BBQ sauce. Put on toasted bun. Top with onion slices and pickle slices. Nuke.

So I made some McRibs this past weekend when my friend Dillon was visiting from Pittsburgh. We decided that we’d stay in on Saturday night, watch craptastic Lifetime Movies (A Mother’s Nightmare was off the hook!!!!), drink wine and make McRibs.

Depending on who you are, that evening makes me sound either profoundly lame or the coolest person in the Baltimore-DC metro area.

But, for those of you who do think I’m totally lame for staying in on a Saturday night, let me tell you what happened the night before…

I was at Ottobar until some ungodly hour and I had my first sighting of Baltimore’s unicorn–film director John Waters.  Amazing. I began to think that seeing John Waters out and about was an urban legend. But there you have it. Heroin addicts, rats, John Waters. I’ve done Baltimore.

But anyhoo. Since this dish required putting uncooked pork in a food processor, Dillon brought her Cuisinart with her. Thank God, because my immersion blender wasn’t gonna cut it.* Literally. Insert rim shot here. Even though we had the food processor, it was small, so we still had to do it in batches. Note: I used boneless country ribs instead of trying to cut the meat off of spareribs (and also saved about $15–holla!).

But then it was easy. Freeze. And then cook. I took a lot of photos of the process–the different stages of the pork–but I can’t find the wire for my camera. So the pictures that Dillon took on her future phone will have to suffice–which are of the finished product:

And Brian being semi-cuddly.

OK, can I say that the faux McRib was fanfuckingtastic? And I know everything that went into the patty–unlike the real McRib which is rumored to contain some sort of substance that is also used in yoga mats. Maybe? Whatever.

But look! When that patty got slathered in the sauce it looked like a for real McRib!

The BBQ sauce choice–Hunt’s Original–was good, but it could’ve easily been some Sweet Baby Ray’s (another thank you to Dearly Departed Cleve). The thing that made this was toasting the buns in the skillet before cooking the pork patties (how did I not think of this before?) and then nuking the assembled sammich for 15 seconds so it had that “I’ve been hanging out in the warmer in that little cardboard box” feeling. Brilliant.

The faux McRib pleased me greatly. It was so close to the real thing. Dillon will concur (hopefully in the comments section of this post). I’m thrilled that I have 2 patties in my freezer. I’m gonna freeze my remaining rolls and then I will have McRib on demand. McRib. On. Demand.

Porkapocalypse? Ain’t no thing. Bring it. BRING IT! I got this shit covered.

I will leave you, for your viewing pleasure, this 1989 McRib ad starring a sweet, sweet mustache (which I’m sure ended up with half of a McRib in it by the end of shooting).

*note to self: buy meat grinder attachment for KitchenAid. And maybe make some kickass sausage. And also buy another small freezer in which to hoard bacon and hot dogs.