29. Meat Loaf

I wish that could be the entire post. Or “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That).” But did Chazz get you psyched for some loaf? A loaf of meat? I’m talking about a loaf of meat!!!! Click for more if you like loaf. LOAF!

I don’t like meat loaf. I never have. But from my experience I know that men like meat loaf. By request, my mum started making it again for my dad once I moved out. One year I offered to cook my ex-boyfriend whatever meal he wanted for his birthday, no matter how expensive or exotic. And the bitch chose meat loaf (with brown gravy just like Nannie used to make). Bor-ING! And I must say that Cleve was a bit excited for #29. I’ve actually witnessed him order meat loaf in restaurants. WTF? Anyway, why do men like meat loaf so much? I would like someone to explain to me the appeal of a brick of meat. Please, all 8 of you who read this thing, I want you to go into the comments and make me understand.

So the construction of the loaf is pretty basic. The only problem was that I had to control myself from doctoring it up with oregano, basil, and lots of garlic. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t a giant meatball and that it is a loaf. A bland, 1970’s loaf. I’m totally stoked by the thought of a giant meatball (who wouldn’t be? Can we somehow get a giant meatball coalition together?), but still can’t wrap my head around the loaf. Go figure.

Another loaf-related issue: I had sporadic Tuna-Cheese-Macaroni-Loaf flashbacks while working on #29. Look at the loaf close-up. Aside from the shade of loaf, that’s really reminiscent of the genetic mutation that is TCML, right?

But all in all the loaf was downright boring. Boo. What gives, Dinner is Served!? Is that all you got? DiS! answered with the bitch slap that is Green Beans in Egg Sauce (Card #91).

With this dish I got 99 problems the beans ain’t one. I love how in the recipe it says to use ‘medium white sauce.’  What in the name of all that is holy is the vaguely named ‘white sauce?’ So I consulted the bible, The Joy of Cooking. And what did St. Irma of Cooking Conundrums tell me? Bitch told me that I have to make a sauce with a roux. Damn you, Irma! Why isn’t there a short cut that doesn’t involve my carpal-tunnel ravaged hands whisking again and again and again and again and again? Sauces and gravies. Gravies and Sauces: the bane of my Dinner is Served!-related existence. Oh, I shouldn’t get all confrontational with Dinner is Served! (and poor St. Irma) but I’m in the middle of a 4 hour programming block of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I think that all that attitude and cattiness and fabulosity transmitted over the airwaves is being cabled straight into my sequin-addled mind.

Back to the sauce! I initially had success. I had what resembled a solid Bernaise going on. And then I added the extra egg yolks. The result was a jaundiced custardy mess that glommed onto the whisk like a wad of chewing gum on a fork. There was not a damn thing saucy about my egg sauce. It was as rubbery as Alexis Mateo’s fake ta-tas. So I put the blob of ‘egg sauce’ into a baking pan, shoved the green beans into it, and baked it alongside the loaf. The results were not attractive. My Green Beans in Egg Sauce didn’t look remotely like the photo on #29. It tasted weird, too. Those fresh green beans were meant to be served simply, with salt, pepper, and olive oil or butter. The ‘custard’, consistency aside, tasted alright, but not with beans! This pairing was not meant to be (much like Alexis’ boobies).

Here is the sauce breakdown:

Speaking of berries, this brings me to Cold Fruit Soup. Yeah, weird, right? This is a soup that is a dessert. A dessert that is a soup. And a little bit of a gazpacho. The damn dish has an identity crisis. Needless to say, there was no way in hell the Safeway was going to have rhubarb in stock so what I did was boil unfiltered, organic apple juice with assorted frozen berries.

I did the corn starch mixture, etc. etc. etc. and stirred and stirred and stirred. The soup/dessert (Doup? Soussert?) did thicken up in the refrigerator, but the result was kinda like not fully set Jell-O that tasted like an organic fruit juice smoothy thing. It seemed pointless. Either be juice or be Jell-O. Pick one, bitch! You can’t be both! Well, unless you’re a drag queen, I guess.

Oh, I also made a salad and baked some potato slices per #29’s instructions.

Anyway, to the left is the completed meal.  I still don’t like meat loaf. It’s a bland block of meat. At least Cleve ate the leftovers for lunch a few times. The loaf was best crumbled in a pasta bake because I was able to douse it with Italian spices. So for me, as a whole, this meal was a fail. If for no other reason just because it bored me. Everything was half-assed, like a sad lame cocktail dress on which all the hems are unfinished. And yeah, I’m looking at you Shangela. Halleloo!

Oh, and one last thing: I wanna lip sync for my life to this shit. But in the end, #29 Meat Loaf: sashay away.