I am officially nominating myself for the Jerry Seinfeld Awards in Dating Excellence, (Man-hands Category).
Why? Let me explain.
I was introduced to a friend of a friend who met all of my (seemingly low, but surprisingly difficult) standards:
- Born before Bush Sr. was in office
- No roommates
- No children
- Has lived places other than Baltimore
- Likes cats
We went out a few times and he was nice and funny and I did genuinely enjoy his company.
But there was one issue–he rolls like Morrissey* and thinks that meat is murder.
Yes, my friends, I deserve a Jerry Seinfeld Award in Dating Excellence, (Man-hands Category) because I decided to stop seeing a perfectly fine dude because he is a vegetarian.
Now hold on! Before you judge me too terribly, think about what I do as my hobby (and, let’s face it, my second job): I cook. A lot. Shit, I dedicate every Wednesday to wieners–as in tubes made out of meat–whether it be beef, pork, or turkey, snouts and lips and beaks and innards. I am a die-hard, give-me-the-nitrates-and-nitrates-offal meat-eater.
I totally respect the decision to not eat red meat. Or poultry. It’s commendable.
But I love meat! And even if I ever did give up meat, I’d still want fish. And crustaceans. Shit, clams and oysters don’t even have eyes!
But, looking back on it, I guess the biggest issue was that he didn’t know what The Prime Rib is. And that is the happiest place on Earth! Plus, we could never go there. What the hell would he eat–a salad and a baked potato? As if!
I think this situation is exactly like someone who makes a dating decision based on religious grounds: whether it’s raising the kids Jewish or having an issue with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution. Except that at my church I worship at the altar of Oscar Meyer, Colonel Sanders and Mayor McCheese.
So, yeah. Deal breaker.
It seems fitting for this week’s Wiener Wednesday to make a treat that is a meat-stuffed hot dog wrapped in bacon.
That’s 3 types of meat in a bun!
From the 1967 edition of Better Homes & Gardens Barbecue Book, Best Hamdogs!