The Poconos: Land of Sex, Kitsch, & Hot Tubs

So, as a lot of you know, when I was a wee girl I would flip through the AAA tour books of PA and NJ and would think of all the places I would like to go–the Jersey Coast, Philadelphia, and the most magical place of all, The Poconos.

The ads for each resort featured glamorous couples in heart-shaped hot tubs, with flutes of champagne and rose petals everywhere. And the most fantastic of all the resorts had 2-story champagne glass hot tubs filled with, what I was sure would be, strawberry-scented bubbles.

With all the mirrors and the candles and the flowers and those round beds–it was all so exotic to me. And it screamed FANCY. Like, you know you’ve made it when you get to stay in a place like that. I wanted to be one of the glamorous people who looked like they just stepped right off the set of Dallas and into one of these deluxe suites.

This Poconos-thing carried on into my adult life. Not so much as a “I want to go there because it must be the most fabulous thing ever” to a “OMG, I love retro, I love kitsch. I must go to there.”

Well, I guess I’ve made it, kittens. My dream came true. Mr. Kinsey and I loaded up the car (we brought a wheelie cooler with us) and we spent the night in a glamorous Champagne Tower Suite at the Paradise Stream Resort in Mt. Pocono, PA.

For reference, this is what they showed in the guide books:

poconopalace3

He’s gazing at her adoringly. She’s so happy and serene!

hottub

So in love. And bubbles!

80s-style-love-at-Mount-Poconos

All kinds of GLAMOUR!

And this is was our reality…

fireplace

“Glamorous” is the last word I’d use to describe this couple

poconos

Where are all the rose petals and the candles, goddamnit?

glass

Is this the face of a serene and in-love lady?

Finally, let’s compare and contrast (especially since we may be in the exact same room):

5-CoveHaven-ChampagneTower-Couple

hot tub

Sadly, this was one of our attempts to recreate the above photo

For all those years, AAA lied to me.

Was my trip glamorous? No. Was it terribly sexy? No.

Did I laugh the entire time I was there? YES. Did I have a fucking blast? YES.

I give this trip an enthusiastic 2 thumbs up.  I loved Paradise Stream. Although it’s not what 10-year-old me imagined, this may have been better. It did not disappoint.

Now, if you want to see the trip in all its glory, watch the video. I think it’s HILARIOUS. Make sure to stay to the very end because, no, that was not staged.

Just as an aside (and this may be something stupid to say) as someone who has had weight problems and definite body issues for the majority of my life, I am proud that I can just say “fuck it” and share this. I never knew it would take me until my late 30s to say that. Plus, it’s really fucking funny. I mean, I’ve watched the last half of it at least six times and it doesn’t get any less funny.

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29 Responses to The Poconos: Land of Sex, Kitsch, & Hot Tubs

  1. Kristen says:

    Oh my god, I am crying. So good. And now I need to go here. They should release this as promotional material.

    • Yinzerella says:

      It is being sent to their PR people because they were so nice as to let us see the inside of the other suites.
      Now, what they do with it is a completely different story. LOL

  2. S S says:

    That’s hilarious and where did you get those sunglasses?

  3. suzanne says:

    What the hell? Is he ok? Gurl that looked like a hella fun! That man is a fucking keeper! I don’t want to be telling you what to do but you may want to move him in!

  4. Ha! That is hilarious! Sometimes I go to a ’70s-looking lodge in my area to enjoy its retro vibe, but all it has is a restaurant and a little game room. Ordering grilled veggies in a rust-and-avocado themed room has nothing on a lodge with round beds and champagne glass “hot” tubs. I am so jealous.

    • Yinzerella says:

      OK, rust-and-avocado room still sounds pretty rad.!!
      If you can ever make it up to the Poconos, I highly recommend it. Even if you don’t do the Champagne Suite, a lot of them have pools and fireplaces and round beds. And mirrors. All of the mirrors.

  5. missrose10 says:

    That is some funny ass shit. I’m so glad to know others have as hilarious sex life as I do.

  6. Eat The Blog says:

    Geez, when I went to the Poconos a million years ago, all I got was a lung infection (probably caught it in Scranton, but I blame the heart-shaped hot tub in the Poconos).

    I completely lost it when you were describing the pond.

    Thank you so much for sharing this-I totally needed this laugh on a Saturday morning.

  7. Retro rover says:

    Hilarious. My parents had some book with this resort in it and like you I was enchanted and wanted to go. I really need to go there

  8. phairhead says:

    Brava, sister, brava! 😀

  9. That was all kinds of awesome. “Are you OK?…………… Oh, no…”

  10. I LOVE IT! The only thing (the only thing!) that would’ve made this slightly better would be if it were decorated in glorious 1970s brown/red/avocado/harvest gold and had an olde tyme waterbed that would’ve made you seasick.

    That ending. Comedy gold!

    • Yinzerella says:

      I have never been in a waterbed. How are they?

      • The4thStooge says:

        Because I am both wasting time at work (not really, but waiting on someone to answer an e-mail) and late to the party, olde-tymey waterbeds were horrible! I remember my parents shopping for a canopy bed for me (yellow, Holly Hobbie!) in 1981, and holy damn! ALL the stores had waterbeds! Round, heart-shaped, whatever. Since this was the last gasp of the 70s (seriously, I can’t tell the difference with the fashions between 1978 and 1981), there were plenty of “motion on the ocean” waterbeds…which were fun for 6 year olds, but I can’t imagine many adults enjoying them for long. They were waaaay too “bouncy!”

  11. Heather says:

    You guys are too funny! The shorty robe was almost too much. I probably shouldn’t have let my toddler watch it though. Pretty sure I heard him muttering “fuck” in the back seat.

  12. We do not have this kind of shit in England. More is the pity. I am going to demand this as my honeymoon destination even though (I am ashamed to say), if you asked me to point to the Poconos on a map, I would have no freaking idea where to put my finger.

    I WANT A HOT TUB SHAPED LIKE A CHAMPAGNE GLASS.

    Loved the video.

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