It’s been forever and a half since I’ve given you what you really want from me (aside from Brian); and that is a good dating story.
I haven’t given you once since early March.
But anyway! After 4+ years of online dating and all the ups and downs, I have decided to give you, gentle readers, my own guidebook of the Do’s and Don’ts of dating.
Now, to refresh everyone’s memory, these are my minimal (so minimal!) boyfriend requirements–which apparently have been impossible to meet:
- Born before Bush Sr. was in office
- No roommates
- No children
- Has lived places other than Baltimore
- Tolerates cats
- Eats meat (remember, we had to add that after the vegetarian incident )
So here we go. These are some basic things that you should do and should not do while dating:
Do: Be honest on the first date. Example: “On my dating profile I didn’t use my real name.” or “I’ve been 34 for the past 3 years.”
Don’t: Be too honest on the first date. Example: “I have 6 cats and 2 rabbits. They all live in my house.” or “…and that’s when I got on the mood stabilizers.”
Do: Introduce your date to new and exotic liquors.
Do: Introduce your date to new places they have not yet visited.
Do: Kiss on the first date.
Don’t: Kiss on the corner across from a Royal Farms and have teenage meth heads yell “get a room!” at you.
Don’t: Make a drunken, half-baked, John Hughes grand gesture at 2 AM and run after your date because you “don’t want the night to be over.”
Do: Text daily if you’re not going to see each other for an extended period of time between first and second dates.
Do: Sing a Cher & Peter Cetera duet (because, why not?)
Don’t: Sing said duet at a bar that is not a karaoke bar, nor is it karaoke night.
Do: Go to an actual karaoke night and show off your mad skills.
Don’t: Go to the opthomologist and have your pupils dilated so that you can’t drive and have to completely change plans at the last minute.
Don’t: Wear sunglasses after 9pm. Indoors.
Don’t: Go to a restaurant where the service is so bad they forget you exist.
Don’t: Stay at the bar until after all the restaurants have closed.
Don’t: Get so hangry you throw a temper tantrum.
Don’t: Mess up something as easy as ordering pizza from Domino’s.
Do: Macguyver that shit and make nachos from the remnants of your fridge.
Don’t: Bitch about how the house smells like cat pee.
Don’t: Bitch about how long the walk to the restaurant is.
Don’t: Mock your date’s dinner order.
Do: Be adventurous and jump that chain link fence.
Do: Sit on the couch and watch your date’s youtube channel.
Don’t: Mid-sentence, vomit into a half-filled popcorn bowl and then continue to be violently ill for the rest of the evening and sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do: Apologize profusely for said vomiting.
Do: Months later, still apologize for said vomiting.
All of these things truthfully happened in the span of three dates. Three fantastically horrible dates. Amazingly, there was a date 4 and a date 5–even though at the end of each one I would say “well, maybe I’ll see you again.” For some reason the dude kept asking me out. And I, inexplicably, kept agreeing.
So today it is exactly 3 months since that (fun, but deeply flawed) first date. Yeah, you may have noticed that a Mr. Kinsey’s been around here a lot as of late. And, no, he is not my new gay best friend. He likes me and shit. And I kinda like him, too. He grew on me like a fungus.
Also, he meets my basic requirements:
- Born before Bush Sr. was in office √
- Employed √
- No roommates √
- No children √
- Has lived places other than Baltimore √
- Tolerates cats √
Oh well. Nobody’s perfect. Six out of seven ain’t bad!
P.S. I, being superstitious (and based on past experiences), am certain that as soon as I post this, something horrendous is going to happen and it’ll all go to shit. So there will be no more Mr. Kinsey. Which would suck ass. It would suck major amounts of ass.
But if it does all go to shit, there is a silver lining: yinz guys will get more bad dating stories! ¯_(ツ)_/¯