Is Your Date Behind This Door?

mysterydate70s

In a word: no.

I owe you all a dating post. So away we go!

(all gifs from RealityTVGIFS.com one of my most fave blogs)

kittenOn a fine summer evening I went out on a lovely wine bar date with a guy who lived out in the county. He was nice, polite, all those things. But there was one odd thing about him. In addition to his actual job, he bred Bengal kittens. In his basement. The basement of his house. Cages of cats. The males in one and the females in the other and then he gets them to mate and have babies and then sells them for hundreds upon hundreds of dollars.

What?

andywhat

I just imagine that his house would have to smell like cat pee.  OK, and you agree with me that the cat breeding is weird, right?

bobbarker

Today’s public service announcement

That’s not the worst of it.  I had brunch with dude who was obsessed with Adam Levine.

Let’s just call him Faux Adam. Any chance Faux Adam had to talk about how much he liked Adam Levine, he would. He’s so handsome, and he’s such a good singer!

Faux Adam was in a band and was doing exercises to increase his range. You know, to hit that falsetto. And you could tell that he was even trying to look like Adam Levine.

levine

For what it’s worth, Mr. Levine doesn’t do it for me. There’s something skeevy about him. Like he has ALL the STDs

Anyway, brunch was fine, but the next day Faux Adam blamed me for missing a school assignment (he’s in community college or something) because he was out brunching with me instead of doing his homework.   Um, I’m not your mom. It’s not my fault that time management isn’t one of your strong suits.

Buy a planner.

sorry

So, through an internet friend of a friend I was introduced to a sailor who works in Annapolis. He seemed great! Interesting, well-spoken, cute.  The sailor took me out to a big, fancy steakhouse dinner. And paid for it (thank you!) But somewhere between dinner and dessert, he put his hand on my knee.

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It’s just been so long since I’ve talked to a girl who likes Star Wars.

Yes, he actually said that. No, you can’t make this shit up. And, yes, that ended that.

So, remember the guy who gave me the sheep? Yeah, he was tons of fun! Until he wasn’t. Because he totally ghosted me. It was like he never existed. I thought that there were two options: either he got back together with a girlfriend. Or that he died.

Turns out that neither were true. I was at ArtScape in July and Sheep Guy came up behind me and totally surprised me: Hi, how are you? It took me a moment to even place him (and remember his actual name). And he was all oh, we should get together. And I said, well, you’re gonna have to call me. Because I don’t have your number.

Which is the truth. Yeah, periodically I like to go through my contact list…OKJosh, OKEric, OKChris, OKMike, etc. etc.


delete

You have to. Scrolling down to any contact past the letter ‘o’ would take hours.

So, I had a date last week!

This is how I showed up at the bar:

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Because it’s hot as balls here. Seriously. It’s hot.

Now, I am totally aware and I totally admit that when I’m hot I get cranky. I was dying for a drink. So I’m waiting for the bartender, waiting for the bartender, waiting for the bartender…

Date guy shows up. Hellos are exchanged. Still no bartender.

Me: Oh my god. I am so hot. Aren’t you hot? I am being totally ignored by the bartender. Ugh. I hate that. I really can’t stand this weather. I don’t know exactly what the happy hour deal is here. I think it’s like 3 baby beers for $6 or something.

Date: I don’t know. I’ve never done happy hour here.

Me: It’s a pretty good deal. But I’ll tell ya, fancy beers are kinda wasted on me. Honestly, I prefer Coors Light.

Pause. Pause. Pause.

Date: I think that this is a bad idea. You seem to be in a bad mood. 

And then he just walked out. No goodbye. No nothing. He. Just. Walked. Out.

byeUm. Did he seriously just ditch me because of Coors Light?

Whatever.

I then knocked back a few Coors Light.

beer

Ultimately I ended up having a pretty pleasant evening talking to some other people at the bar before I went home and made myself dinner.

But here’s the kicker–I swear to god it was the same asshat from a couple of years ago with the tattoo sleeves. The guy that was pissed when people ask him about his sleeves. I’ve gone out with this douche before!

It’s fitting that I’m posting this today because this morning I got an email from Groupon:

eharmony

72% Off 12-Month Membership

Save 72% on a one-year membership at eHarmony.com.Expires 8/8/15

I wasted two hours of my life completing the big eHarmony questionnaire a couple of years back. The result?

No matches in a 50 mile radius.

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13 Responses to Is Your Date Behind This Door?

  1. missrose10 says:

    Ok, You have moved and things change I say give it a try. What’s the worst that happens you stay single and happy and maybe you have a few more experiences where you can write about them here. Just don’t make any plans on a hot day and I think you will be fine. I’m right with you on that one BTW’s October can’t come fast enough around here.

  2. Heather says:

    First, I’m so sorry about my schadenfreude at your dating woes, but your stories are hilarious. The same thing happened to my husband with eHarmony, but then he signed up for Match and ended up with a great catch(?)

  3. SarahW says:

    I so enjoy your dating posts–well I enjoy all your posts, but this one actually made me laugh out loud. I’ve been trying okcupid as well, though I have more of a hard time getting beyond the chatting on line to the in person thing. I don’t know that this inspires me to change. I’ve decided to do all my meetings at the farmer’s market, so even if it sucks I can get my grocery shopping done.

    Any tips, besides don’t try eharmony?

    • Yinzerella says:

      Do you really want advice from me? HA! I would recommend going out on as many dates as possible. So extend the invite if you’re interested. You never know! And if it sucks, at least you’ll have a good story to tell.

  4. (Flava Flav voice) Wooooooowwww! I don’t really know what to say. I DO know what I did–I laughed. Loud. I’m reading the descriptions and thinking, “Didn’t she go out with this guy before?” Sometimes, yes! Most of the time, no…they seem to all be the same, weirdo type.

    As for the guy missing the assignment or whatever. Pleeeease tell me he was younger than, uh, 22? Because any time past that, either you do the assignment, or you just say “meh” and keep on doing what you were doing. (I say this as a former music performance major that had NO LIFE, so this wouldn’t have happened to me!)

    I hate to say keep these stories coming, but KEEP THEM COMING!

  5. Eat The Blog says:

    I say give cat-breeder another chance, he does after all have a steady income.

    I owned that game at the head of your post. As I recall you’d lose by opening the door and getting the “Dud” which was basically a 60’s version of a nerd.

  6. Kristen says:

    It seems to me that you should suggest to the cute, interesting, handsy, Annapolis sailor that you have a friend he might like better. Because you know how I am about sailors. And I like Star Wars.

  7. Jill says:

    I seriously LOVE you dating stories so much. More please.

  8. Hermione says:

    No. You should not breed kittens in the basement. They ought to be up running around with the family. And since they are Bengals, they should have catio access.
    Dating sucks. Hug Brian for me.

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