Today, I went to the absolute other end of the female self-help spectrum and posted the cover of Marabel Morgan’s Handbook for Kitchen Survival: The Total Woman Cookbook. It was an exciting internet find for me because I forgot that she had a cookbook. And look at that cover! But those beverages. What the hell are those? Mylanta springs to mind. Although I don’t know why. Is Mylanta blue?
Anyway, I became familiar with Marabel back in 2008 when I found myself single after a four-year relationship. I have no idea exactly how I came across The Total Woman–I assume that it was probably linked-to or referenced in some sort of break-up/why your relationship went wrong/this is how you messed up/everything is your fault website–but I became fascinated by Marabel and her books and her self-help seminars. So I read a lot about her and her dogma–which is basically centered around the idea that the man is the head of the household therefore you must put his needs before your own. And take care of the children. And the house. And cook. But then also be an impeccably groomed sex kitten. Simple!
It inspired me to write.
I told you that I’d be occasionally sharing poetry. And how fitting that I already wrote about the lady of the hour so many years ago! Click through to check it out.
The Total Woman
“A Total Woman caters to her man’s special quirks,
whether it be in salads, sex, or sports.”
Submissive in Saran Wrap,
I shuffle like a geisha to the front door
with his slippers and a Sidecar.
I ask him how his day was,
then nod in enthused interest.
The children are soundly sleeping,
I think he’d like a foot massage.
After Chinese chicken salad
he chases me ‘round the dining room.
I eagerly suck him off
while SportCenter’s on mute.