I am officially nominating myself for the Jerry Seinfeld Awards in Dating Excellence, (Man-hands Category).
Why? Let me explain.
I was introduced to a friend of a friend who met all of my (seemingly low, but surprisingly difficult) standards:
- Born before Bush Sr. was in office
- No roommates
- No children
- Has lived places other than Baltimore
- Likes cats
We went out a few times and he was nice and funny and I did genuinely enjoy his company.
But there was one issue–he rolls like Morrissey* and thinks that meat is murder.
Yes, my friends, I deserve a Jerry Seinfeld Award in Dating Excellence, (Man-hands Category) because I decided to stop seeing a perfectly fine dude because he is a vegetarian.
Now hold on! Before you judge me too terribly, think about what I do as my hobby (and, let’s face it, my second job): I cook. A lot. Shit, I dedicate every Wednesday to wieners–as in tubes made out of meat–whether it be beef, pork, or turkey, snouts and lips and beaks and innards. I am a die-hard, give-me-the-nitrates-and-nitrates-offal meat-eater.
I totally respect the decision to not eat red meat. Or poultry. It’s commendable.
But I love meat! And even if I ever did give up meat, I’d still want fish. And crustaceans. Shit, clams and oysters don’t even have eyes!
But, looking back on it, I guess the biggest issue was that he didn’t know what The Prime Rib is. And that is the happiest place on Earth! Plus, we could never go there. What the hell would he eat–a salad and a baked potato? As if!
I think this situation is exactly like someone who makes a dating decision based on religious grounds: whether it’s raising the kids Jewish or having an issue with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution. Except that at my church I worship at the altar of Oscar Meyer, Colonel Sanders and Mayor McCheese.
So, yeah. Deal breaker.
It seems fitting for this week’s Wiener Wednesday to make a treat that is a meat-stuffed hot dog wrapped in bacon.
That’s 3 types of meat in a bun!
From the 1967 edition of Better Homes & Gardens Barbecue Book, Best Hamdogs!
So, after some time in the oven (I don’t know how long) and after numerous brushes with Hunt’s Original Barbecue Sauce, the end result was this:
Now, I cannot tell you whether or not this was the best of hamdogs, since I never had one before, but I can tell you that it was better than I thought it would be.
The Hamdog was a very distant cousin of the McRib–mostly because I used the same Hunt’s barbecue sauce that I used for my homemade McRibs–but also because it had the pickle relish and the onion. That’s a little McRibby!
Do I plan on making this again? No. But I am thankful that it didn’t make me want to Marty McFly back to 1967 to murder the ladies of the Better Homes & Gardens test kitchen.
I doubt that I’ll be posting anything else as we go into the Memorial Day weekend, so I will just wish you all a fabulous holiday. I hope that you eat a lot, drink a lot, and have a good time with your friends and family. And for fuck’s sake–remember to wear sunscreen!*also, this is totally a coincidence, but today, May 22, is Morrissey’s birthday. Happy birthday, you charming man!