So a couple of weeks ago I came across the trailer for a 1973 horror film (according to the DVD cover: the rarely seen 1970s cult shocker!) called The Baby.
I instantly sent this to my friend Valerie who said “we MUST watch this movie.”
So I made a promise to host a screening once I got my grubby little hands on a copy of The Baby.
Now on a lark I decided to google it and see if I could find it online so I wouldn’t have to buy a copy. I found it.
But seriously, people–of all the movies they don’t have on instant stream–for instance, the oeuvre of Nic Cage (I must see The Wicker Man!)–lo and behold they have The Baby. On frickin’ Instant Stream! I’m boggled.
So this party was going to happen a lot sooner than I thought.
Since Valerie’s trying to watch her caloric intake, and I’m back on the Weight Watchers, I thought this was a good time to bust out one of the low-calorie cocktails from the fabulous 2 in 1 International Recipe Card Collection for Mixed Drinks and Hors d’Oeuvre set. You may recall that I made the Low-Calorie Margarita over at the 1972 Retro Weight Watchers Experiment. This time around I went with the Manhattan. And, this being the 2 in 1 International Recipe Card Collection for Mixed Drinks and Hors d’Oeurve, there was a hors d’oeurve to go with that Low-Cal Manhattan: Crab-Stuffed Zucchini.
The recipe says to chill the stuffed zucchini for at least 3 hours. Since I wouldn’t have 3 hours of chill time on Baby Day, I put it together the night before.
This was easy: make zucchini boats (which I’ve done before), make stuffing, and stuff. At the time these looked great. I tasted the filling and it was nice. None of the elements were too strong and they all complimented each other. I had too much filling and not enough zucchini so Cleve ate the remainders with some chips. Like I said, it was good.
On Baby Day, not so much.
The Manhattans were good. I made Val’s as instructed. Her first reaction was “WOWZA!” not because it was bad just because it was strong. I don’t think she regularly hits the hard stuff. I made mine the way that I typically like my Manhattans–just whiskey, a dash of bitters, and thinking about pouring in the sweet Vermouth but never actually tipping the bottle. I also learned that 1 jigger is the equivalent of 3 tablespoons of booze. Knowing is half the battle, darlings.
But the zucchini. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, the zucchini. Overnight the stuffing started to get watery and the zucchini got all limp and rubbery. Look at the photo–all of the capers and pimentos and pickle started to break down. It was a soggy, flesh-colored blob. And although it tasted good the night before it just tasted and smelled really fishy like there was canned salmon involved. And I detest canned salmon. I threw it out before Cleve and Val’s husband, Phil even had a chance to try it.
Perhaps the monstrosity that was the crab filling was an omen for the cinematic work we were about to watch.
This movie was fucked-up. Sorry, but that’s the only way to describe it. As a whole this flick just skeeved us out. I think Phil said that he wanted to shower after the movie was finished.
But there were moments of levity. As the movie played Baby started to look more and more like Martin Short in Clifford. Which is a bizarre crap movie that I watch every time it’s on TV.
And although he claims he never saw it, it was uncanny how Cleve was able to predict what happened:
Cleve: How much you wanna bet the sister ends up topless before this movie is over?
Answer: Almost. She sports a sheer chemise and climbs into Baby’s crib. Barf.
Cleve: Who thinks the social worker ends up in a porn-dungeon?
Answer: During a birthday party for Baby, they spiked the social worker’s punch and tie her up in the basement.
Cleve: Who votes someone’s gonna end up in the ditch for the in-ground swimming pool?
Answer: Someone may or may not have been buried alive.
But none of us guessed the ending. I won’t ruin that for you because I know that you’re all now clamoring to see this classic. If for nothing else, just to see this hair in action:
And I swear that each time they showed her it somehow got larger. It’s a coiffure miracle.